Just for the record!!

Well this is a wake up call for me before it's an update to anybody else. A few days ago a horrific accident happened to me. i won't say what it is not because i don't want you to know as much as i don't want ME to know or remember it, i just want to remind my self of this so as to be careful all the time and to have this safe feeling only to keep me living, i remember at that particular time i very much needed a shoulder to cry on and somebody i could trust, somebody who would just tell me everything is gonna be OK and I'm gonna take care of everything else, somebody i can even trust with my life, not only because they care for me but also because they have the right mind i can rely on and i can be almost sure they will definitely do the right thing for me.

Well this is still the happiest time for of the year, Christmas time, so i really would like to enjoy it.

God bless :D

WE wish you a Merry X-mas and a Happy new year!!

I just LOVE this time of year, it's just beautiful. I love everything about it, the weather the atmosphere, the ppl, even shopping at this time is lovely. i love seeing those beautiful trees every year with their beautiful warm and colourful lights, they just make me feel all warm and cozy again, they even take me to a time were everything was beautiful and i really felt the warmth of a family and ppl who loved no matter what. It's this time and only this time that makes me imagine and even believe that the so-called family warmth still exist. Every year at this time i imagine this beautiful room with the old fireplace decorated with those colourful socks and candies and the Christmas tree beside it decorated and lit, with presents and boxes lying under it. it's just a very warm picture that makes me smile, i could even here those favourite christmas tunes like Jingle bells and Santa Claus us coming to town. it was just a dream a couple of years ago but now i think i can believe it's possible. Moving to maadi reminded me of this beautiful picture before it fades away. Ppl here really celebrate Christmas, at this time of year if you look up in any of the beautiful Cairo nights you can see a warm light coming from any window and the moment you look at it you just feel it's Christmas time, you see the Christmas tree beautifully and fully decorated with presents beside it, or even just some glitter here and there which remained from the decoration hassle. I don't really like this new year thing and those silly resolutions (I'm not really pessimistic i just don't like those stupid decisions that ppl take and they just forget about, just makes the whole year meaningless to me !!) But I'm really excited about Christmas.. and yes Christmas although i have nothing to relate to it except those memories and this dream, but it's just that big of a symbol to me that i refuse to give up or forget or even replace, i partly hate that i can't relate this to any of our feasts but i don't feel very wrong feeling that warm towards that time of year.. it's just my favourite. :D

Merry Christmas...

keep dreaming and never lose the faith...

Waiting...

Always waiting for this unusual thing or word or person.. just waiting, wishing and hoping

the next moment will just change my life. Just like in a movie when this super beautiful

actress meets that handsome guy and, no it's not that they live happily ever after,

their life just changes forever and they face everything together.. well i'm not

waiting for that handsome guy.. it's not exactly my dream. or maybe it is!

but what i'm sure of; is that i wake up everyday waiting for that moment, i don't know if

it's gonna be good or bad, happy or sad, i have no idea and i don't want one,

i just want it to be a surprise, although i hate surprises, but i want it to be a memory

and important memory, which i remember many years after and say from that moment

my life was totally different and i became the person i am now!!

will that moment ever come true. will that person be the person i wish to be!!

i really have no clue! but i hope it's gonna come true one day..

This is a part of a long piece which i found putting a lot of my current pondrings to words, i never found an answer to these ponderings, and I don't know if i am ever to find ones but it's kinda relieving just to find the exact words describing them. I think it's representing a lot of ppl's wonders as well. Here's the part I most liked of the piece :D

و لا اجد اجابة عن هذه السؤال المحير ....... لماذا انت من دون الاخرين ......هل كان لدى حقا اختيار .....فهل اخترك أنا؟ .... ام اخترتنى انت؟ ام كان اختيار مسبق لادخل لنا فيه ......رتبه القدر ....و استجابنا له......مذعنين!

وأنا اذ اندهش .....فدهشتى من نفسى..... حين اكتشف مرور الوقت و انا افكر فيك ...... و اتعجب اكثر حين اسمع صوتى يجيبك ان مكانى ما هو الا اى مكان تكن انت فيه ........و انى - اخيرا - اجد موطنى حين تضمنى اليك ..... بدون تاشيرة دخولى سوى لمسة رقيقة من يديك .......تجذبنى بها اليك لاستكين بجوار قلبك....سعيدة!!

written by: Nagwane Refaat

What Zodiac Sign Should You Be?

The planets are very complex. Maybe your astrologer will disagree, and maybe a few tendencies will vary, but overall you're a SCORPIO. You're just like a water sign, which comes out in the way you're so in tune with your emotions and your intuitions. Your symbol is a scorpion, which represents your secretive nature and your ability to emit a powerful poison when vengeful. A bundle of contradictions, you have the ability to demonstrate both the best and worst qualities that characterize human nature. Generally, you are intense and passionate, yet stubborn and competitive. You use your intuition fearlessly, and you have a tendency to explore the nature of existence through the study of philosophy and religion. Although it is difficult for you to trust others, whenever you finally do, the result is deep and powerful. On the downside, however, you must work hard to suppress your jealousy. Your dedication, drive, and persistence will guarantee you success, and you are known and respected for your imagination and idealism.

Some famous Scorpios:

• Prince Charles
• Grace Kelly
• Charles Manson
• Kurt Vonnegut
• Pablo Picasso

Lonely w alone w kol 7aga!!

Never felt I needeed someone, always felt I can do it alone,
But as I grew up I felt that I can't so it alone, or as paulo coelo said, all the universe conspires to make me feel that I can't do it, or maybe that’s the truth I should have realized years ago. I never needed a brother more than now and what makes matters worse that I have a deep feeling that this is not gonna be the only time. I'm always gonna feel alone abandoned and behind. Behind and there's no way for me for catching up. I just can't move on or forward . And who's that who's gonna be that knight in shining armor even if he's my brother, what's he gonna do when all the ppl who are responsible and suppised to love me and take care of me just simply don't. what I don't get it why????
I never asked why I always thought it's over, or it's gonna be over soon. But actually it never is. everything is just harder than before, everything gets worse and worse.
Why does he do that?
Why am I do alone?
Why can't I find any help?
It's like a desert with the feeling of war.. Waiting for it but not knowing where is it or who is fighting or what I'm gonna do, just waiting.
Is it soo difficult I just need somebody to tell me don't worry it's gonna be ok it's gonna be alright, I don't need him to stand up for me I just want him to be there beside me holding me before I fall. Is that too much to ask.. Too much to want! Is it me who's building the wall or is it them who are standing so far from me!! NOBODY can make me feel small or helpless, I'm not small and I'm not helpless, I am not helpless. I can do what ever I want. I don't know what should I feel or what should I do, I don't even have anybody to help or tell me what to do! How to react and how to stand for me!! So hard to feel that everything is being cruel to you and you just can't do anything about it!!

ana magnoona??

A poem that really inspired and touched me. I read it at a time when i really felt it coz everything around me was going crazy, and what i was feeling was even crazier, actually crazier than ever!! So i dedicate it to the person who gave me all those crazy thoughts and drove me that crazy.. Enjoooooooooy.

أنا مجنونه؟

بقي أنا مجنونه؟.........وأنا كلي عذوبه !

أيه يعني لما ألبس هندي
واركب علي ظهر الفيل البمبي
وأجري وأروح علي غاندي..!

أبقي مجنونه؟

أيه يعني لما أحلم بالقصر
وفرسان كتير مليه مصر
وملك شاعر في عينيه النصر

أبقي مجنونه؟

ايه يعني لما أحلم بالغابه
والأسد الحامي يبص لي ويتغابه
وغزاله جميله تبربش لي بعيون رحاله
والنمر يبحلق ويسمي ويقول فتاكه
وطيور الحب تغني وتنده لك ألحقها...غرقانه

أبقي مجنونه؟

ايه يعني لما أحلم بالكوخ
والرجل الأخضر.. في عيونه أدوخ
ورسايل حبك توصلني ..طاخ..طوخ
وساعتهاأرقص وأغني وأنا كلي رضوخ

أبقي مجنونه؟

ايه يعني لما أحلم بالجّنه
وأتوه في الحلم وأتحنّه
أنا راجعه مهما أتعنّي
أفرش حضنك ألقي الجنّه..!

أبقي مجنونه؟

ده أنا مفتونه
أنا دايما بحلم بجنون..وجنوني ده بقي كله فنون

لسه شايفني مجنونه؟


Written by: Somaya soliman (9\11\06)

Just Another Thought !!!

I really have been missing you all day, well that's normal. I've always missed scents i liked but I never remember them, only when i smell them again I remember I've always loved them, and to give you a closer picture, if I tried to remember how a rose smells, I simply won't, see I didn't, but suddenly I now remembered your scent just now (and that's what's not normal), I just smelled it as if you are across that very same room and I had this needing urge to go across the room to enjoy it more. Now what does that signify? Does that mean I love you? I don't think so, I don't think i believe in love in the first place, at least not for me. So yesterday was a good day, nobody I didn't want to see did show up and nobody i DID want to see and talk to didn't have the chance to see ,if you know what I mean ;). Well have to reboot, have this major problem with mcAfee, seems nothing is ever perfect, or at least behaving properly.

 
It was a very nice day but after he left i really felt empty and i do remember how i felt i felt hollow and empty, felt that i need to be complete again. it's not always how i feel but i don't know is that a trend or what why am i acting soo weird?
I don't know what's gotten into me! Am i overreacting . Or is it me missing that feeling, missing attention, missing understanding, Oh i really miss being understood, i really miss good talks, and actually I don't remember ever having a shoulder to cry on. I miss a friend, a sister, a brother. I need a listener, somebody who asks the right question the right time, somebody who cares. or at least seem to care. just writing this brought tears to my eyes not because i'm in a bad mood, but just trying to remember when did i ever had a friend brought huge pain to my heart, as i didn't remember. I used to think i had a problem with me, but now seeing the ppl who really get attention and looking at the attention they get, i just refuse to be that stupid person who just babbles all the time, nags if they break a nail or complains for unspecified reasons in front of ppl they barely know about stupid stuff and because they are ppl who don't know they think it's big when in reality, it's really not. Whenever I see this attitude it just makes me sick, it's just soo lame. And looking from the other side, looking at the kind they get it just made me more and more hate that picture and hate those ppl and never want this kind of attention. Well the attention is as lame as the whining, they are just very stupid naive ppl who are just stupid follower, who don't think, i can't even say that they can't think coz actually i think they can, they're just too lazy to think, they have the fuss to babble about, so why think of another cause to worry about.
Well i never liked being pitied and of course every body would love to feel smart but i would better earn it not by a stupid way of giving the illusion of being smart and then disappointing those ppl and really make them think i'm not worth it. I hate those big mouths, i hate lameness, i hate stupidity. i mean if you're smart enough to make ppl think you're smart, then why the hell don't you keep faking it and start being it!!!
Yesterday i missed my show because of no friends actually i wanted to go and i could go but i had other reasons not to attend although i didn't get what i wanted, i mean he wanted me to offer but com'on, since when have the girls been the ones who offer, if the girl is the one who would offer then what is it that the guy should do, be the wallet, come on, i doesn't work out that way!! 

The Trouble With Love Is...

Love can be a many splendored thing
Can't deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses, diamond rings
Dreams for sale and fairy tales
It'll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind,
It'll fool ya every time

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all

Now I was once a fool, it's true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world's a deeper blue
I'm sadder, but I'm wiser too
I swore I'd never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn't worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

(The trouble with) The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all

Every time I turn around
I think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin' and I keep on fallin'
Over and over again
This sad story always ends the same
Me standin' in the pourin' rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

(The trouble with love is) The trouble with love, yeah
(It can tear you up inside) It can tear you up inside
(Make your heart believe a lie) Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride

(The trouble with love is)
It's in your heart
It's in your soul (doesn't care how fast you fall)
You won't get no control
(and you can't refuse the call)
See, you got no say at all

(The trouble with love is) Oh, yeah
(It can tear you up inside)
(Make your heart believe a lie)

WHY?!?!

Suddenly it's hard to control.. suddenly i'm the best thing i ever do is waste time... even i'm feeling very guilty about it.. i still do it. Why am i suddenly out of choices.. is it really that the world is closing up on me? or is it just me locking myself in my own bubble? .. why do i have those times when i really feel that i need someone there when i never did before? And who is that someone i'm waiting for? i know nobody will be upto my expectations .. even if they are upto my expectations i won't like it.. in fact i wud just hate it... who wud like a person who's totally figured out ? it's just so lame.. and if i'm not waiting then will i stay alone forever? is this my destiny to live in my solitude? just thinking of the idea scares me. Although i'm never afraid of being alone, but just the thought of staying that way for the rest of my life is kinda scary. what scares me more right now is how distant i am from myself.. i know i'm there isn't a bunch of ppl arguing in my head, i know it's just one girl.. who's mysterious enough to make me intimidated and confused. she' so distant that i feel i don't even know her or know how she thinks or how she feels or even who she really is?
one moment she's miss independant.. and another she is this miss romantic wanna be? or miss gurlish wanna be or anything that's sooo not me. And in all this mess what i'm reallly concerned about; is those ppl i'm hurting along the way.. those ppl i'm messing whith their lives. who am i to mess up thier life like this, to evter it just to leave it wrecked and empty ? I really never mean to do that but it just seems that i was born to do it. ever since i was born i've been messing ppl's lives, so why stop now. maybe that's why i'm " extra sweet and nice ", i reallly don't want to hurt anybody.. but don't wanna be a loner and i'm not? i mean i don't like my life with nobody in it and i don't like ppl ruining my life.. but at the same life we can't live in this world without affecting each other !! What a MESS !!!
i know if anybody read this might think i'm a sketzo, a lunatic.. or maybe even a freak. you might not understand what was reallly bothering me or what exactly i'm talking about! Well it's not always like that it's just that i wanted to write coz i had so much on my mind i had ro clear it off.. these were just some of the wonders that usually cross my mind and i never find an answer to them.. so i hope i wud find the answer one day.
Last but not least.. for that special person out there i really miss you a lot and i just wanna tell you there might not be that much of a time as you think, so take some action and don't wait that long coz that might be your last chance, or may be mine!!

It Hurts!!

It just hurts when suddenly you feel that nobody knows who you really are. Even your friends or your family. It's not that I live my life under disguise, or is it that I'm reallly that way they see me. Is it really me who can't see the truth; that I'm just good for nothing, that i'm just good at sitting around and having fun. I don't deny o like having fun .. and if it's fun then.. I'm in, but this is not what i'm all about. This can't what anybody is all about. i mean what is it, shouldn't i apply except for the vacant or left over stuff. they things nobody would apply for or dare to approach, and not because it's difficult or complicated, strangely enough it's because it's too damn easy or maybe can't be considered work in the first place!! Is that what they think i'm all about, or is it the truth that i never saw before!!
It's really so hard living in this world with no true friend.. a help.. a shoulder to cry on.. to tell them what you wanna say.. what you really think and know they would understand.. And expect that they would tell you the truth without being comlimental or judgmental.. just the pure.. Absolute truth.
I'm not playing miss understood.. But it just hurts to feel that you've never been understood or taken for who you really are.. it hurts to after so many years you finally realize that you've already been judged the moment you opened your mouth or actually the moment they saw you. No matter when was that or where was that let alone what the circumstances where. It hurts to know that anything you say will be just taked lightly even more lightly than you think. Just because you're not like them.. judgemental and criticizing all the time.. Cruel and distant.. plastic and phoney.. always pretending to be someone you're simply not just to impress the masses!!

Being Dellusional!!!

Now i really think I wasn't being dellusional.. that person meant what i thought.
Or maybe not!! maybe that person is just like that, with everybody!! maybe!!
who knows! or who cares :D !!

Why Don't you and I??

Since the moment I spotted you
Like walking around with little wings on my shoes
My stomach's filled with the butterflies...and it's alright
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never going to come down
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied

Everytime I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say 'why don't you and I get together
and take on the world and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other and
fly to the moon and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never going to let me in

When's this fever going to break?
I think I've handled more than any man can take
I'm like a love-sick puppy chasing you around
And it's alright
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never going to come down
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied

Everytime I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say 'why don't you and I get together
and take on the world and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other and
fly to the moon and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never going to let me in
Bridge
Slowly I begin to realize this is never going to end
Right about the same time you walk by
And I say 'Oh here we go again'

Everytime I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say 'why don't you and I get together
and take on the world and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other and
fly to the moon and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never going to let me in