WHY?!?!

Suddenly it's hard to control.. suddenly i'm the best thing i ever do is waste time... even i'm feeling very guilty about it.. i still do it. Why am i suddenly out of choices.. is it really that the world is closing up on me? or is it just me locking myself in my own bubble? .. why do i have those times when i really feel that i need someone there when i never did before? And who is that someone i'm waiting for? i know nobody will be upto my expectations .. even if they are upto my expectations i won't like it.. in fact i wud just hate it... who wud like a person who's totally figured out ? it's just so lame.. and if i'm not waiting then will i stay alone forever? is this my destiny to live in my solitude? just thinking of the idea scares me. Although i'm never afraid of being alone, but just the thought of staying that way for the rest of my life is kinda scary. what scares me more right now is how distant i am from myself.. i know i'm there isn't a bunch of ppl arguing in my head, i know it's just one girl.. who's mysterious enough to make me intimidated and confused. she' so distant that i feel i don't even know her or know how she thinks or how she feels or even who she really is?
one moment she's miss independant.. and another she is this miss romantic wanna be? or miss gurlish wanna be or anything that's sooo not me. And in all this mess what i'm reallly concerned about; is those ppl i'm hurting along the way.. those ppl i'm messing whith their lives. who am i to mess up thier life like this, to evter it just to leave it wrecked and empty ? I really never mean to do that but it just seems that i was born to do it. ever since i was born i've been messing ppl's lives, so why stop now. maybe that's why i'm " extra sweet and nice ", i reallly don't want to hurt anybody.. but don't wanna be a loner and i'm not? i mean i don't like my life with nobody in it and i don't like ppl ruining my life.. but at the same life we can't live in this world without affecting each other !! What a MESS !!!
i know if anybody read this might think i'm a sketzo, a lunatic.. or maybe even a freak. you might not understand what was reallly bothering me or what exactly i'm talking about! Well it's not always like that it's just that i wanted to write coz i had so much on my mind i had ro clear it off.. these were just some of the wonders that usually cross my mind and i never find an answer to them.. so i hope i wud find the answer one day.
Last but not least.. for that special person out there i really miss you a lot and i just wanna tell you there might not be that much of a time as you think, so take some action and don't wait that long coz that might be your last chance, or may be mine!!